Not So Deep Thoughts

Part V: Just Like Starting Over

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Posted by jkhutchins on May 18, 2010

I am not happy about certain aspects of my life right now.  So, I get fixated on one thing I can control- my weight.

I am female.  Hence I have body issues.  It’s practically preinstalled these days.  Not that the problem is exclusive to women, it just seems to be more pervasive.  It’s no less serious for men.  And it sucks for everyone.

I have spent much of my adult life miserable.  I also come from two lines of short, pudgy people.  Even the thin ones are somewhat potatoesque, although it suits the males of the family better.  So, I’ve spent pretty much my entire adult life overweight.  The thinnest I have been since 1991 or so has in both cases been in the wake of a breakup.  When I’ve been cleaning out the rest of the clutter in my life.

In fact, there seems to be a direct correlation there.  The more junk I clear out, the more weight I lose.  Perhaps it is time to clear out more of the junk.  While I am much happier with my shape now than I was just a year ago, I still have quite a ways to go before I will be satisfied.  I am not talking about supermodel weight.  I just want to look good in clothes where I don’t have to worry about whether the sizes go high enough.

In the meantime, I’ve been exercising.  Pretty hard by my standards.  I try to get at least an hour a day in, hopefully four or five times a week.  After that I start having logistical issues.  Additionally, I am trying to incorporate more passive exercise.  I’ve been climbing stairs instead of taking elevators and things like that for awhile, but I’m trying to get myself to walk over to pick up the boy or go to Target.  I should probably start walking to the grocery store again now that the weather is getting nicer.  The main problem being due to financial constraints I’ve been spending more time at Fred Meyer, which is not so walkable.

What I need to do now is work on my upper body, which is much more tedious.  I can step or bike with distractions.  I’m not so sure how I can achieve that for my shoulders and back.  Perhaps I need weights.

The hard part at this juncture is the food.  When I just get semi-anorexic it’s not hard.  When I am keeping myself busy with cooking it’s much more complicated.   The easiest, cheapest food is carbohydrates.  Protein and vegetables are more expensive to use, and at this point I’m hoping to get by with what is already on my shelves.  And I’m trying not to waste food, so I end up with a lot of carbohydrate leftovers.   It also doesn’t help that exercise, stress, deprivation and other factors are making me crave sweets to an obsessive degree.

Eating with people is also not useful.  I love having someone around, and it is great sharing meals.  But it makes it much harder to starve myself.  I can’t reach into the freezer and have 300 controlled calories that cost me $2.  I have to think more.  This is good from a long haul perspective, but I don’t want the long haul.  I want to fit comfortably into my skinnier jeans.  I want to stop looking pregnant.

I do have the time right now.  Exercising up to 2 hours a day is going to be functionally impossible once I finally get work (although it will keep me busy enough to not snack and I will probably get more passive exercise).  I gain more weight when I am unemployed.  I do have the self-discipline to lose weight.  I lost 30 lbs in the course of about 4 months before, and not that long ago.  I can do it if I want it bad enough.  I’m trying to want it enough.


One Response to “Bodies”

  1. Jenn said

    Hi! I have weight issues to – several of them – but I have major-strong upper-body, because I (it sounds silly) lug my almost-3-year-old around and also I boost my 7yo into her upper bunk every night.

    Jenn (Friend of Friend) Kirkland

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